Thursday, June 08, 2006

"Father of mine, tell me where have you been?"

"you know I just closed my eyes and my world disappeared."

I'm fine. I'm not. I'm crumbling on the inside...

I received the news of the baby the week of my graduation. It tore me apart. Selfishly I cried because "this was my week, it would be my day..I worked twelve years for this, why was it being taken from me?" My father's mistake. He didn't want me to know until after graduation that his girlfriend was pregnant...that his previous divorce is still yet to be final, and that he was going to raise this one right. I gave him the best advice I could offer. I always do. I told him the baby was a blessing from God and that there was no other way to look at it. The baby wasn't a mistake, it was meant to happen. God doesn't make mistakes.

He understood. He knew, in the back of his mind, that I was right.

We hung up the phone.


Graduation day. By this time, I was over the baby, I was too distracted to think about it. I was happy that my family was getting along, both mother and father. You have to understand...I hadn't seen them get along since I was...4 or 5 years old. Dad said he had cut back on smoking and drinking. I could tell this baby was going to help make a great impact on his life; help to set him straight.

Why didn't I think of her, though?

Barbara. 45 years old. Never married. Never had children. Pregnant.

They were going to keep it, that's what they decided. My father saw it as a second chance, he was taking this blessing and it was going to be a life changing addition to the family.

After the graduation party, my father took Bell and her friend Jenna and drove back home.

St. Petersburg, FL.

She was supposed to be there for 2 weeks. I couldn't go because I couldn't take off of work. God knows I wish I would have though. For their sake.

The first few days went well. No alcohol. They shopped, they hung out at the beach, they fed ducks by his apartment. All was well. What happened? Why did that change?

My father won a free stay at a beach resort in St. Pete, so he took the two girls and Barbara with him. They set up on the beach, partied with Barbara's family, all was well... on the outside.

Barbara was scared. She's 45 years old and she's conceiving a baby. Previously there have been two miscarriages (this information was new to me). After her family left the hotel...that's when a bit of hell was brought to the surface.

Alcohol, of course, had taken its toll. Both my father and his girlfriend had had their fair share plus a larger abundance. Perhaps in their drunken state they forgot the girls were present. This time though, it wasn't just Bell and Jenna. Barbara's niece was there. An 8 year old girl with asthma. She's really she sweetest child.

In the midst of the yelling, Ella ran and locked herself in the bathroom. She was afraid of everyone, her trust had been broken. Bell attempted to get her out of the bathroom because she knew Ella's condition needed to be monitered in a situation like this. Jenna had never witnessed a situation like this, so she was absorbing every word, every action, like a sponge. Slowly she understood why Bell and I had to leave this household.

Frightened enough by the yelling, the girls huddled together, away from the two adults. They acquired new information about the argument. She hoped to lose the baby. In the midst of his anger, he yelled about "cocaine" and "another man"...silence fell over the room. Tears fell from the two girls' eyes, Ella remained in the bathroom, having a hard time breathing correctly.

Bell called home around 11:30p.m. I had walked in the house after the phone call. My mom ran in my room:

"what's Jenna's home number?"
I gave it to her, "When are they coming home?"
"Tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? What happened?"

"Your dad's been drinking."

I froze...

I started shaking. Every memory of these events flooded my mind. I picked up the phone, dialed John's number, I had to talk to someone...but I needed to calm down. Through the tears I explained what I knew from my mother's few words, I reviewed possibilities, and I contemplated calling my father.

They were supposed to leave the next morning to pick up the girls. They left that night.


I spoke with Bell soon after my parents left with Jenna's dad. I told her they were on her way.

"It was worse than it's ever been, Amber. I wish you were here, I need you here."

I calmed her down...
I was angry at myself for not being able to be there, even though I knew I had no control over it.

We hung up.

Around 2a.m. my father called me in his drunken state. He tends to talk to me when something's wrong. As if he wants councelling from me. He looks for answers in his oldest daughter. Like a son to a mother. It's always been that way.
I calmed him down, I let him explain what happened. He said this all started because of the baby. It's all about the baby, that's the only think Barbara's family wanted to talk about. That alone scared her even more than she already was. It brought her over the edge. She was more drunk than my father was.

I explained to him that it wasn't solely her fault. Two to have a baby, two to argue. He understood...he started crying. That broke my heart. I knew he was trying his hardest to keep everything under control, but there was nothing he could do for the situation anymore. It was at it's peak and it was only going to fall down. I told him to give her space. He was proud of himself because he didn't try to run away from his problem this time, but I told him.... if there would have been any time to leave, this would have been it. It wouldn't have been the wrong thing to do. He wanted me to tell my mom to turn the car around. He said that he felt as if he can't even take care of her because my mom had to come and pick her up, to take her away from him. I teared up...but I couldn't let him know I was crying. I told him that there was nothing I could say to her to make her turn the car around. They would be there between 7 and 8 a.m.
"I have everything under control" he said.

Everything seemed calm again. I calmed him down. We hung up the phone.

2:45a.m. Bell calls me, crying hysterically.

Barbara had called the police. She reported a "violent gentleman in the room". After getting off of the phone with me, my father woke up Barbara with his yelling. After I calmed him down he still went to her to point the blame.

Things became violent. He never hit her. He bit her face at an attempt to get the phone from her when she had dialed the police. They yelled, she threw a cooler at him as he was walking away. She repeatedly kicked him, from what Bell told me. Barbara even blamed Bell for everything that had happened and told her that she could have prevented it. I assured her there was nothing that she could have done. It was out of her control and she understood.

The police arrived. They spoke to my dad first, then the girls.

The last thing Bell saw...was her father being taken away in handcuffs. No hug goodbye, no kiss on the cheek, no words at all. Just an escort in uniform that assured her he would be out by morning.

They lied.

Bail was posted at $30,ooo. He didn't leave until the following night...and that was because my grandmother scraped every penny she had to gather $8,000. They accepted that much, thank God, and he was set free to go around 8:30-9 p.m. He was told to go home, not to go near Barbara..because if he did before charges were dropped, he'd be sent back to jail and bail wouldn't matter.

The girls are home now... but Bell hasn't been the same.

I'm praying...

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Photographic Idea

So, today I helped to work on the new card game. Is it strange that I kept thinking about how beautiful that siginificant other of mine is? I'd look up at him, see him smile, and think about how I'd wished to capture that one solitary moment in a photograph. He's supposed to model for me tomorrow, which is wonderful, but it's just not the same. He's someone who is genuinly beautiful, and posing him like a doll just doesn't capture the essense that I want. I have wonderful ideas for beautiful set-ups... most of which won't ever be real pictures =\

Paint this in your mind:
Two decorative glass windows, each frame seperating the glass like a grid. Two marble windowsills meeting at an inner corner in the wall, lining the pure white whirpool bath. Candles and angels setting upon the marble counter tops. Stainless steel faucets and knobs, another marble lining running up the wall to a sink and counter, a golden towel neatly folded and placed inside of a steel ring hanging on the wall. And finally, the subject, slender and mildly toned, wrapped either in a small sheet or towel waist-down, sitting over the side of the tub preparing a warm relaxing bath. His shoulders bent slightly inward while his right arm leans in to feel the water's temperature. His body turned at a 90 degree angle toward the camera, yet far away enough to look realistic. Facial expression would be content, perhaps a slight smirk or smile. His eyes would never look at the camera. His back could be mildly arched, haven't tested that yet. *sigh*...if only I could capture such a beautiful idea.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Poetry Ideas, Speaking of a Random Day

I couldn't believe that I woke up before the alarm went off... right before the alarm woke off. Have you ever felt the slight frustration and confusion from hearing the alarm after waking? I was having the strangest dream, well not exactly the strangest, I've partaken in worse. I was in the passenger seat of a car, some random car that my friend Maddie was driving, and we were driving down the interstate and on to Florida. I remember thinking about my father in the dream, I can't recall what thoughts came to mind, but the fact that we were in Florida had to have been what triggered it. Anyway, in the dream it was almost like I was teaching Maddie how to drive... yet she already knew because she had a license? I always have the hardest time explaining myself...perhaps there's no need for explanation and you'll just have to accept me "as is".

Today Brandon started talking about how we have "high school memories". Granted, he's right, but I knew where he was trying to steer the conversation. He wanted to talk about "the new" Amber. I don't understand what's so new about me... the only thing that's changed is that I'm no longer dating Shane and I'm HAPPY. I know that he misses how we all used to hang out, but it isn't like it was all the time anyway. He had invited me over to his house a few weekends back to play some DDR with he and Shane. I went, we ate dinner, played DDR, had a "jolly" ol' time, but I didn't understand why that gave him the initiative to start trotting down "memory lane" and criticize me for being different now. Oh well. I did like how he brought up how I'm Christian now, that was nice. I remember when I wasn't. I wasn't so much a "bad person", I was just lost and angry at God because I thought that He was the reason that my life was how it was. I'm thankful now though that those times are over and that through it all I became a stronger and better person.

You know what gets to me? Other than the minor rant that I typed up above this paragraph, I mean. People who judge my siginificant other. He's significant for a reason. I wish that some people could just accept that I'm happy with him, he's wonderful to me and vis versa. Why are some people so stubborn? My family loves him, this isn't about them. I'm thankful that they're appreciative of all he is and does for me. Judgemental people are annoying -___- this would be where I insert a sigh.

Want to know something interesting? Tonight I volunteered to lead a minor bible study after every youth service on Wednesday. It's this new ordeal that the youth minister is setting up. I get my very own small group and everything! It's going to rock!

I suppose that's all I'll plague you with for now.

-me

Monday, January 23, 2006

Brand New

Starting something new.

The End.

-Dawn